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Character Sketches

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Read Character Sketches from Brad Meltzer’s The Millionaires

Please note, all answers are in the form of a Broadway musical. Don’t ask.

OLIVER CARUSO

Birthplace: West Side Story.

Occupation: Pirates of Penzance.

How does your brother see himself in this world? Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat.

How do you see him? Sesame Street Live.

Best place for a romantic date? 42nd Street. And let me just say, this Broadway thing has gone too far.

Taking into account geopolitical subcultures, hegemonic realities, and the rule of law, what are the three distinct ways in which neo-classicism and naturalism overlap? Starlight Express.

How would you describe your brother’s last haircut? My Fair Lady.

What’s the single biggest obstacle in your brother’s life? Peter Pan.

Describe your brother’s sixth grade girlfriend. Cabaret.

Describe your sixth grade girlfriend. Victor/Victoria.

Who would play you in the cartoon version of your life? Evita.

When you enter a room, people say: Hello, Dolly.

What’s your deepest reoccurring fear: Man of La Mancha.

Your brother’s favorite store in the mall: Hair.

Which is harder to hold in, number one or number two? The Wiz (oh, like you didn’t see that one coming).

Hot side hot, or cool side cool? That is easily the most dated joke ever.

Name a famous book you always lie about reading. I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings. (Not a musical, but it’s true).

What would you buy with a million bucks? A Chorus Line.

What’s the place where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain, and the wavin’ wheat can sure smell sweet, and the wind comes right behind the rain? Oklahoma!

Most overused wince-phrase that journalists use to make themselves sound young? Art.

Who’d win in a fight, Amish or Quakers (fully acknowledging that this brand of fisticuffs would be tough to pull off)? Annie.

Why do people dislike the French? Les Miserables.

Where do babies come from? Guys and Dolls.

Are you pretty? Oh, so pretty.

How would you describe the last date your brother went on? Annie Get Your Gun.

What would you steal if you couldn’t get caught? Isn’t that the point of the book?

CHARLIE CARUSO

Birthplace: Damn Yankees.

Occupation: How to Succeed in Business Without Really Trying.

How does your brother see himself in this world? Camelot.

How do you see him? Fiddler on the Roof.

Best place for a romantic date? Chicago. (Incidentally, the correct answer is Hardees. If she don’t wanna be there; she don’t wanna be with me.)

Taking into account geopolitical subcultures, hegemonic realities, and the rule of law, what are the three distinct ways in which neo-classicism and naturalism overlap? Ice Capades.

How would you describe your brother’s last haircut? Urinetown: the Musical (look it up, big brain—it’s a real one).

What’s the single biggest obstacle in your brother’s life? Oliver. (Get it? Get it? Get it?)

Describe your brother’s sixth grade girlfriend. Victor/Victoria.

Describe your sixth grade girlfriend. Seven Brides For Seven Brothers.

Who would play you in the cartoon version of your life? Tommy.

When you enter a room, people say: Bring In ‘Da Noise, Bring In ‘Da Funk.

What’s your deepest reoccurring fear: Blue Man Group.

Your brother’s favorite store in the mall: Forever Plaid.

Which is harder to hold in, number one or number two? The Wiz.

Hot side hot, or cool side cool? Smokey Joe’s Cafe.

Name a famous book you always lie about reading. Grease. (Don’t shake your head—when I was in sixth grade, there was a novelization available, but I just used to look at the pictures in the middle. Sad but true.)

What would you buy with a million bucks? The Sound of Music.

What’s the place where the wind comes sweepin’ down the plain, and the wavin’ wheat can sure smell sweet, and the wind comes right behind the rain? Sunset Boulevard.

Most overused wince-phrase that journalists use to make themselves sound young? The Full Monty. And “wince-phrase.”

Who’d win in a fight, Amish or Quakers (fully acknowledging that this brand of fisticuffs would be tough to pull off)? Annie.

Why do people dislike the French? La Cage Aux Follies.

Where do babies come from? The King and I.

Are you pretty? Beatlemania. (c’mon, boyo, does a duck quack?)

How would you describe the last date your brother went on? Little Shop of Horrors, Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street, Beauty & the Beast, The Best Little Whorehouse in Texas, The Hunchback of Notre Dame, The Rocky Horror Picture Show, Kiss of the Spider Woman, Titanic, and Five Guys Named Moe (do I need to go on?)

What would you steal if you couldn’t get caught? Now that’s a good question.

Need More Brad? Click below to see a full in-depth interview with him talking about his other books, writing in general, and why he always hates his author photos.